First off, I grew up with three brothers. We were all about a year and a half apart. So, my personality is a little warped from that and all the concussions playing sports. Although, when I was a kid, people didn’t really believe in concussions -it was more like “toughen up son” or “don’t be a baby.” Okay, enough of the disclaimers.
As a high school teacher, I enjoy good natured back-and-forth with the students. A touch of sarcasm and a healthy dose of nick names. Obviously, nothing mean or hurtful. Name calling is juvenile, but also an art form. They call me McCrab, McNap, McBlab, McThis and McThat. These are mostly related to my mood or what I am trying to do.
Anyway, one April Fool’s Day, the students got me. I started the class like usual and then a phone rang. The ringing sound came from somewhere over near my desk. We have a no phone rule for students in our school. I knew something was up. I just ignored it and kept trying to teach. I acted like I couldn’t hear it. As I was writing on the whiteboard, another phone rings in the room’s back corner. At that point, I was looking for them and didn’t know where they were. It wandered around the room, trying to teach and find the phones. Not sure how subtle this came across. Of course, some students were trying not to laugh.
They kept ringing. I kept trying to find them and seem like I couldn’t hear them. I would go to one side and then the other phone would ring on the other side. I myself was a wandering idiot show. Finally, I cracked laughing and gave them props. I realized they were in the ceiling. Well, played. How they managed to put two phones in the ceiling has baffled me. It was made of of this hard to move tile. Back then, cell phones were flip phones and about half the size of a brick. Pretty clever. This was before The Office episode – if you don’t know this reference check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOmEhX1LzZ0
You can see their justification by reading some of the alleged below quotes:. (these were in previous writings)
"Quiet please, so you can hear the sound of your grades dropping."
“Some of you are playing Hide-and-Grade. You’re hiding your work and I can’t grade.”
“Mister Zero will always be there; he lives for missing assignments and undone work; and if you learn nothing, he’ll show up in your bank accounts!”
"Dr. Distracto and Mr. Mumbles, any chance you could focus and listen to me."
“If that is supposed to be funny, you ought to get new writers.”
“I’m old fashioned, I like to hear people when they talk.”
“Hey! Stop using foul language that kids can’t listen to.”
“I hear swears. Swears make your ears bleed.”
“A Bathroom Scam™ is when you go to the bathroom and come back with two ice creams and a flute.”
“We have three weeks left, I won’t have this turn into a pig circus."
"What you guys are doing back there is why people think common sense” is dead."
“Record your conversation as a podcast. That way I can play it any time and get interrupted like you’re doing now.”
“Stop rubbing your feet on stuff; it’s weird.”
“Kids don’t eat enough dirt these days. Or go outside. That is why you get sick."
“If you could put your clothes back on, that could be helpful.”
“I can’t hear you because I’m copying something.”
“Don’t be afraid to start. I’d shoot a gun into the air and say”go”, but if I had a gun in school, I’d be arrested.”
"Sure, we are in school. I don't think the "real world" will like your attitude either."
“Dr. Distracto, use your powers to get something done.”
“Time is passing, and you should be too.”
“Oh yeah, great move for sure. Stalking is a good word to bring up in school when talking about a girl.” “It's a paper cut. Put on a Band-Aid and get over it.” "I know you like fashion, what is in style in my classroom is manners."
"I love the inner city attitude, so the pine cone gang sapped you."
"Yeah, I don't like Google docs. So, they keep track of your life forever. Boy, I wish what I wrote as a Freshman in high school had lasted for eternity. I would have gotten more jobs."
"That is so unique and disturbing. You want to make a name for yourself. Go ahead post it online."
"Sorry to disappoint, if you want to learn, you will have to do something."
"Great, you are in Advanced Placement English, can you actually do anything, besides complain?"
"If you are going to complain about everything, can you at least try to be funny.” "So, you're late due to the time zone difference between the hallway and the classroom."
From here on, if you are going to try to scam me, please put in more effort.
"I don't blame you for using your phone and not paying attention. There are tons of high paying jobs in the texting field."
"If you don't do your work, I have a new program to help you after school. It is called CRAP. The Credit Recovery Academic Program. Do your work or you are going to be in it".
"Okay, I guess today I am imitating a YouTube video with zero views."
"Times have changed. I want to be PC. Let me rephrase, Wow, you're really utilizing your free will to reshape the norms of classroom discipline. Historically, what you're doing was called "annoying."
"Any chance your comments can be funny rather than offensive."
"Not doing work is a SCAM. Relax, it isn't a negative term . . . It means ``Students Can Achieve More."
"Okay, everyone is being a bit sensitive. For now on, ten microaggressions equals a macro-aggression. We start now. Next time I say, "Please be quiet" and "please don't interrupt", we are at two micros. If I say "you need to focus" that counts as a micro and trigger words."
"So, there was an undercover cop in my room for a year? (pause) So, he thought I was a good teacher?" Contact: "Yes,"
"Well, I am glad I didn't get stabbed." The response: "He thought you were funny. Also, he said you were afraid of blood."